woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
