I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
