new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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