How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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