Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
