The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
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Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
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Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.