Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
