just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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