Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
