my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Randomize
