he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
