If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You're like the curious george of whores
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
