Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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