the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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