You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
