Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
