chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
