i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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