Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My vagina is officially offended.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
