I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
