her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
