Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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