I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
