god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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