If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
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