my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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