I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
