I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
