So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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