I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
