how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Couch. On fire.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
