This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
