the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
