I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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