if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
