Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My vagina is very pro this idea
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
