Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
