i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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