Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
