the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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