woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
