i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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