this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
