obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
