I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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