Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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