I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
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I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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