I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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