I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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