I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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