I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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