I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
