I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
