Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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