Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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