Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
