I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
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Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
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okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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