I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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