You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
two words...techno handjob
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Randomize
