The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You were trust falling into bushes
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
