Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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